I'm gonna have a badass scar
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
