Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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