you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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