Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
