Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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