I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
