why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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