Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
