It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
