For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We had sex on a dog bed..
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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