God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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