somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
