Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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