how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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