i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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