I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize