so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
