Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
