I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
