I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
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