I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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