I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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