the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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