I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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