Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
