i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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