They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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