she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
