I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
