Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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