booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
