I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
