first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize