Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize