I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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