Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
