I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
