If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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