Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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