I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
