I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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