there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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