Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm like, not good at living.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
