I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When are your genitals available?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
