I seem to have left my pride at pride
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize