Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
