I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
