I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
