I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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