Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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