my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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