whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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