Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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