i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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