I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
