I want to have your abortion
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
