On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
